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Thursday November 22, 2007

The Delusion

People are only as genuine as we ask them to be. They may provide us with what we are able to convey to them we need, we want, we cannot have less than, but rarely more than that.

I used to believe that people wouldn't change, couldn't change even when asked ever so politely. I believed that what I got in life was what I deserved to get and not limited by my ability to ask for what I needed or wanted. I spent much too long following a path that I believed I should follow, not because it was my path but because other people desired that I follow it. I can't say that I was happy. I can't say that I was satisfied, and worst, of all, I can't say that it brought me anything but pain, frustration, and disappointment. I wasted four years trying to fall in line, be what I thought I should be, and settling for what I thought should be enough for someone in this life. What I wanted to do, what I wanted to feel, and who I wanted to be, ignored.

The truths to the questions I was too scared to ask are being laid out before me like the pages of an accordion book tilted just a little too far to one side. It comes as no surprise. My life unfolds to me only as fast as I let it; if I don't open it myself, it will be opened for me in time....way too much time after it should have been seen, understood, and lived. My delusions of what I believed to be enough for the life I thought I should live, put aside. The present that I wasted in the hopes of a future of something I never had to begin with, gone.

Although, the truths of others can hurt when seen for the first time, it is our own truths which heal us and bring us, scars hidden, to where we need to be. As I take in the truths of the people around me, and begin to understand how love can be different from one person to the next, I admire their strength and hold them not to the person I believe they can be but to the person they are.

I continue to remind myself of the 3 things that kept me going years ago:
1. Sometimes it's hard to see *how* you love someone because of *how much* you love them.
2. You can only find in someone what you are ready to see.
3. If you sell your soul, ask for a lot; in the end, it's never enough.

Montreal, QC

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